Sustainability, Artificial Contraceptives, and Natural Family Planning.

A few weeks ago, my English 101 teacher assigned a research paper on the topic of sustainability. Sustainability as in saving trees, saving poor lil' animals, recycling, global warming, that kinda stuff. Green stuff. Now, I'm not a real big tree hugger. I'm all for reusing paper and recycling and all that, but I'm not gonna obsess over it. So I was having a really hard time coming up with a topic cause I just don't know a lot about these sorts of things. So I had this skype date with my sister who lives in Michigan, and I was all "I don't know what to write about, I don't know what to do, I don't know anything about these topics, I'm gonna FAIL AND MY LIFE WILL BE OVER." And then she sent me this: Click here. NOW.
You read it? yes? yes? okay. SO. Karen's like "well, if you wanna be really gutsy... you could talk about how Natural Family Planning is a more sustainable then artificial contraceptives." and then I'm like "HECK YEAH LETS BE GUTSY AND WRITE A CONTROVERSIAL PAPER ABOUT ARTIFICIAL CONTRACEPTIVES AND NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING!!!"
So. I present this to my teacher and she's like "there's no way you can do this." Let me tell you, I have never been more determined to do this in my life.... I fought. and guess what? I WON. I wrote an essay on some of the negative effects artificial contraceptives have on the environment, and how much better life would be if everyone used Natural Family Planning. And I would like to present it to you. Because I'm pretty dang proud of myself. My English class thinks I'm totally nuts, but I bet you no one has ever written on this topic before. Talk about standing out on your first quarter of college....
So Here ya go. Introducing Cc the scholar. This is my gutsy essay on birth control.

Considering the Sustainability of Family Planning Methods

Family planning is an important part of our culture, but has the common society ever considered the sustainability of family planning methods? This paper will compare the sustainability of two contraceptive choices: natural family planning and artificial contraceptives such as the pill. It will examine the effects artificial contraceptives and natural family planning have on the environment, taking into consideration waste water pollution, and solid waste minimization. The evidence suggests that natural family planning is a more sustainable method of contraception.

According to the Encyclopedia of Women’s Health, natural family planning is a method of avoiding or achieving a pregnancy by learning the signs and patterns of fertility and abstaining from intercourse during fertile times. Couples observe signs of fertility in the woman by tracking the woman’s body temperature, mucus secretion and other signs. This method is also referred to as the fertility awareness method, the rhythm method, or periodic abstinence (“Natural Family Planning”). It has been proven that natural family planning is as effective as artificial contraceptives. According to Professor Petra Frank-Herrmann, of the University of Heidelerg, Germany, “for a contraceptive method to be rated as highly efficient as the hormonal pill, there should be less than one pregnancy per 100 women per year when the method is used correctly.” Professor Frank-Herrmann conducted a study involving 900 woman using the symptothermal method (STM) of natural family planning. She reports that “the pregnancy rate for woman who used the STM method correctly in our study was 0.4%, which can be interpreted as one pregnancy occurring per 250 woman per year” (“Natural Family Planning As Effective As Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds”). Since the effectiveness of natural family planning is equal to, or greater than that of artificial contraceptive methods with the failure rate of Oral contraceptives currently standing at 0.7%, (Jurgen Dinger et al.) Professor Frank-Herrmann maintains that natural family planning is “an effective and acceptable method of family planning” (“Natural Family Planning as Effective as Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds”).  Natural family planning can be seen as an acceptable and possible method of contraception.

Not only is natural family planning as effective as artificial contraception, it is also less harmful to our environment. Artificial contraceptives negatively effect the environment by introducing hormones into the water. Hormonal contraceptives prevent pregnancy by increasing the levels of certain hormones in a women’s body. Traces of the hormones are present in the urine of women who use contraceptives such as the pill, patches, and vaginal rings.  As recorded in an article in Biotech Business Week “Researchers at Umea University and the Sahlgrenska Academy at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden have discovered that traces of many medicines can be found in fish that have been swimming in treated waste water” (“University of Gothenburg; Medicine residues may threaten fish reproduction”). The article continues “the study shows that levonorgestrel - which is found in many contraceptive pills, including the morning-after pill - can impact on the environment and constitutes a risk factor for the ability of fish to reproduce.” Joakim Larsson at the Sahlgrenska Academy, one of the researchers behind the study states that “If we know how our medicines affect the environment, we will be in a better position to choose environmentally friendly alternatives“(“University of Gothenburg; Medicine residues may threaten fish reproduction”). Natural family planning is one alternative that will not hurt our environment.

Another factor to consider in comparing the two carbon footprints is the amount of solid waste generated by each contraceptive method. A truly sustainable form of contraception would not produce waste that contributes to landfills. Christopher Mims describes the importance of reducing waste in his article “Landfills” published in Scientific American.

Americans generate 2.50 million tons of trash every year, of which only 83 million tons--about a third--gets recycled or composted. The rest goes into landfills, which are essentially giant factories that convert garbage into toxic materials and greenhouse gases. Water leaching through the detritus picks up industrial chemicals and heavy metals, all too often depositing those poisons in nearby groundwater supplies. Meanwhile anaerobic bacteria convert organic matter into methane, a greenhouse gas more potent than carbon dioxide.

It is highly important that we minimize the amount of waste we are producing. Artificial Contraceptives generate waste from their packaging. This may seem like a small impact, but a study in 2008 shows that 61 percent of women in the United States use contraceptives (Mosher WD, Jones J.). When we put into perspective the amount of women using the pill, we can estimate the large amount of solid waste this is creating. Natural family planning generates no waste. Even if it seems like a little thing to cut down on waste like packaging from contraceptive methods, it is highly beneficial to the environment when we minimize our waste and decrease our carbon footprint.

Natural family planning is an effective and sustainable method of family planning, using only the tools Mother Nature has presented us with. It creates no waste, releases no hormones into the environment, and leads to a healthier life style. Natural family planning could be one small step in our road to sustainability and healthy living.

Work Cited

Dinger, Jurgen et al, “Effectiveness of Oral Contraceptive Pills in a Large U.S Cohort Comparing Progestogen and Regimen.” Obstetrics & Gynecology 117.1 (2011): 1. Web. 5 Nov. 2011

Herrman, Frank P., et al. “The Effectiveness of a fertility awareness based method to avoid pregnancy in relation to a couple’s sexual behavior during the fertile time: a prospective longitudinal study.” Human Reproduction. 22.5 (2007): 1310-1319 ProQuest Research Library. Web. 25 Oct.2011

Mims, Christopher. “Landfills.” Science American 303.3 (2010):70. Academic Search Complete. Web. 26 Oct.2011

Mosher, WD, and J. Jones. “Use of contraception in the United States 1982–2008.” National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23.29. 2010.

“Natural Family Planning Method As Effective As Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds." ScienceDaily. N.p. 21 Feb. 2007. Web. 25 Oct. 2011.

“Natural Family Planning." Encyclopedia of Women's Health. Dordrecht: Springer Science+Business Media, 2004. Credo Reference. Web. 26 Oct. 2011.

“Universidy of Gothenburg; Medicine residues may threaten fish reproduction.” Biotech Business Week 3 May. 2010: 1. Proquest. Web. 25 Oct. 2011

So, the next essay we were assigned was a persuasive essay on the same topic. A "take a stand" kinda thing. So, I wrote about how Natural Family Planning needed to be included in the sexual education curriculum. this has a lot of the same info in it, but more of a tone. and I liked it a lot better then the other one. :) Here's my essay on Sexual Education:

Education for a Future of Sustainability in Sexual Education

We are constantly reminded to make sustainable choices in our everyday life. Grocers offer reusable bags as we leave the store. Stickers promoting waste reduction decorate our paper towel dispensers. Commercials remind us to reduce, reuse, and recycle. Eco clubs are formed in schools to protect the environment. But one factor people rarely consider when committing themselves to a sustainable lifestyle is their choice of contraceptive methods. However, new studies show that our contraceptive choices effect the environment. If these consequences were better understood, people would be in a position to make more sustainable choices. Often the first information people gather on contraceptives comes from sexual education programs.  Public schools should introduce methods of contraception that are both effective and sustainable. Natural family planning is one such method. In order to create a sustainable future, Natural Family Planning should be taught in sexual education classes.

Natural family planning (NFP) is a method of avoiding or achieving a pregnancy by learning the signs and patterns of fertility (Encyclopedia of Women’s Health). The woman tracks her fertility by recording her body temperature, mucus secretions, and other signs. In order to avoid pregnancy, the couple abstains from intercourse during fertile times. This is referred to as the symptothermal method.  NFP is also known as the fertility awareness method, the rhythm method, or periodic abstinence. This method, though it takes a considerable amount of commitment, is effective and beneficial to the environment.

Unlike NFP, artificial contraceptives negatively affect the environment by introducing hormones into the water through waste water. Hormonal contraceptives prevent pregnancy by increasing the levels of certain hormones in a woman’s body. Traces of these hormones are present in the urine of women who use contraceptives such as the pill, patches, and vaginal rings. Researchers at Umea University and the Sahlgrenska Academy at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden, discovered traces of these same hormones in the blood of fish that have been swimming in treated waste water. (“University of Gothenburg; Medicine residues may threaten fish reproduction”). An article in Biotech Business Week reports, “the study shows that levonorgestrel - which is found in many contraceptive pills, including the morning-after pill - can impact on the environment and constitutes a risk factor for the ability of fish to reproduce.”
In choosing hormonal contraceptives, we alter the eco system for the worse.

When measuring the impact of our contraceptive choices on the environment, we must also consider the waste generated by each method. A study in 2008 found that 10.7 million women in the united states were currently using oral contraceptives (Mosher and Jones 19). Consider how much packaging this generates. Much of this packaging is disposed of in landfills. In his article “Landfills”, Christopher Mims describes the negative impact this has on the environment:

                        landfills, […] are essentially giant factories that convert garbage into toxic materials and greenhouse gases. Water leaching through the detritus picks up industrial chemicals and heavy metals, all too often depositing those poisons in nearby groundwater supplies. Meanwhile anaerobic bacteria convert organic matter into methane, a greenhouse gas more potent than carbon dioxide.  (Mims)

In comparison, NFP generates no waste, and therefore does not contribute to toxic landfills that threaten our environment.

One reason educators might be hesitant to include NFP in a sexual education curriculum is due to concerns about its effective rate. This is partially because of its historical background. When the method was first developed in the 1930’s, it consisted of recording only the length of the women’s menstrual cycle, and the days in between in order to determine the fertility of a the women. This is referred to as the rhythm method, and is not very effective. In an article in The European Journal of Contraception and Reproductive Health Care Scientist Gunter Freundl explains that, because the length of a woman’s cycle varies, the length and timing of the fertility window changes with each cycle. (Freundl 116). The rhythm method is often what comes to mind when people hear the phrase “Natural family planning.”  

However, as science has developed through the years, factors such as tracking mucus secretions and basal body temperature have been discovered, creating a far more accurate and effective method. This is known as the Symptothermal method (STM). In fact, it has been demonstrated that NFP is as effective as artificial contraceptives. In 2007, Professor Frank-Herrmann of the University of Heidelerg, Germany conducted a study involving 900 woman using STM. She reports that “the pregnancy rate for woman who used the STM method correctly in our study was 0.4%.” (“Natural Family Planning As Effective As Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds”). The failure rate of Oral contraceptives currently stands at 0.7%, (Jurgen Dinger et al.) Since the effectiveness of NFP is equal to, or greater than that of artificial contraceptive methods. Professor Frank-Herrmann maintains that NFP is “an effective and acceptable method of family planning” (“Natural Family Planning as Effective as Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds”). NFP has evolved since the 1930’s; therefore, educators need not hesitate to include NFP as an option in their sexual education programs.

As an additional benefit, NFP is free from negative side effects.  Contraceptives come with many health risks including blood clots, heart attacks, strokes, depression, ovarian cysts, and other serious conditions. (Office on Women’s Health. 8) Minor side effects include weight gain, vision problems, irregular menstrual bleeding, dizziness, headaches, abdominal bloating or pain, and others. (Office on Women’s Health. 8)  The education systems should be cautioning their students on these risks, as well as giving them the option of a healthier alternative.

Many object to NFP because of the commitment it requires. But when we compare the other sustainable life style choices, such as recycling, composting, using reusable bags for grocery’s, buying products that require less packaging, or eating a vegan diet, we can see that sustainability always requires commitment. Teachers don’t hesitate to share information with students about vegan diets, neither should they hesitate to share information about NFP.

Educators already incorporate information about, recycle and energy conservation and endangered species into their curriculum. There is no reason why schools shouldn’t include natural family planning in sexual education programs to give students a more sustainable alternative. It is commonly said that children hold the future in their hands. But it is also what we teach them that will effect what our future holds. It is educators job to provide students with sustainable alternatives, and it is the responsibility of each of us to take the information we’ve been given, and make good choices.

Works Cited

Dinger, Jurgen et al, “Effectiveness of Oral Contraceptive Pills in a Large U.S Cohort Comparing Progestogen and Regimen.” Obstetrics & Gynecology 117.1 (2011): 1. Web. 5 November 2011

Freundl, Gunter, Irving Sivin, and Istvan Batar. “State of the Art of Non-hormonal Methods of contraception: IV. Natural Family planning” The European Journal of Contraception and Reproductive Health Care 15. (2010): 116 Web.

Herrman, Frank P., et al. “The Effectiveness of a fertility awareness based method to avoid pregnancy in relation to a couple’s sexual behavior during the fertile time: a prospective longitudinal study.” Human Reproduction. 22.5 (2007): 1310-1319 ProQuest Research Library. Web. 25 Oct.2011

Mims, Christopher. “Landfills.” Science American 303.3 (2010):70. Academic Search Complete. Web. 26 Oct.2011

Mosher, WD, and J. Jones. “Use of contraception in the United States 1982–2008.” National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23.29. 2010.

“Natural Family Planning Method As Effective As Contraceptive Pill, New Research Finds." ScienceDaily. N.p. 21 Feb. 2007. Web. 25 Oct. 2011.

“Natural Family Planning." Encyclopedia of Women's Health. Dordrecht: Springer Science+Business Media, 2004. Credo Reference. Web. 26 October 2011.

United States. Dept of Health and Human Services. Office on Woman’s Health. Birth Control Methods 2009. Web.

 “Universidy of Gothenburg; Medicine residues may threaten fish reproduction.” Biotech Business Week 3 May. 2010: 1. Proquest. Web. 25 Oct. 2011

But yeah. This was the exciting project I got to work on. It was really hard. I had a break down probably every week and my big sister who's a college graduate had to hold my hand through it all. But it was a good experience. There were several aspects of this subject that I didn't get to touch on, which made me sad, but I was glad I was able to do what I did. It was exciting to be able to stand up for what I believe in. Most of my class had never even heard of natural family planning, so I was able to shed some light on the subject, and everyone was really excited about it which was really cool. 

I go to school. I'm half a college student. I'm doing big things and making people think. I'm learning that I'm not stupid, which is really cool. Life is good. God is good. Amen? Amen.

Right where I belong

This has really been quite the week. I started work. I. Love. It. It's been a little rough at times, learning the ropes and all, but for the most part everyone's been really welcoming and understanding when I mess up. Which I've done a lot. Honestly, I'm having so much fun working that it doesn't even seem like a job. I feel like I'm just there because I love it. I think that's pretty cool. I love being around people and making sure everyone's safe. I love being able to people watch without it being creepy. ;) I love the professionalism, but slight goofiness of my fellow co-workers. I love feeling like I'm apart of something big. I love cleaning and knowing that I'm helping make the building run smoothly. it's really quite fantastic. And I love knowing that I'm going to be learning a lot of life skills while I'm doing this job. Direct communication for instance. I'm not very good at that. But this is a job where you HAVE to be direct. Especially at the Y, they make a point to speak directly with their patrons. When you tell someone not to do something, if possible, you get down from your stand, and talk to the patron about what they're doing wrong, how they could get hurt, and what they could do instead. It's really very affective and direct and just fabulous! I love it. It's a little tricky for me, but I'm glad that's the way it is. I'm also gonna learn how to be assertive and enforce rules effectively. And that's also pretty exciting. There are a lot of other things too, but those are some big ones.
I must admit, the job is a bit lonely. I don't usually talk to the other lifeguards unless I'm cleaning with them, or I have a question. And even then it's kind of short and curt. there are certain people I do talk to more then others, and I enjoy their company, but for the most part I'm on my own. And that's okay. The loneliness gives me time to chat with God. :) On my 15-30 minute breaks, I like to go over to the teen room and talk to the employees over there. Jeez, those guys are some of the sweetest people you'll ever meet. They're fun, and they want to know about you, and they're just so kind and understanding. I was watching them work with the other teens there and it was just beautiful. It's really fantastic and I just love being over there. :)

I think my favorite part of the day is between Surveillance duty, during the 15 minutes I get to clean the bathrooms and squeegee the deck and do what ever little chores need to be done. as crazy as that sounds. I love to sing in the big bathrooms with the fabulous acoustics. I love to dance with the squeegee. I love doin jigs across the pool deck so that I keep my blood moving. I love testing the chemicals in the pool, and watching the water in the tube go from pink to clear to pink again. It's just so fun. SO FUN. I also love working on the splash pad, and being able to talk to the kids I'm guarding and stuff. not to a point to distract me, but enough to get my fill of children. I love kids. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
So yeah. It's a fabulous place for a Cc. God is so good for setting me up exactly where I need to be. I'm just so thankful. He is so GOOD!

I'm kinda floating on top of the world. can you tell? hahahhaa.

So. Today being my day off, I decided to bake something. we're having a guest over for a movie tonight, so we called him and asked what special treat he would like to have while we watch the movie. And what does he say? Creme Brulee. My first thought was "WHAT THE HECK!?". My second was "jeez, that kinda sounds like fun." So I spent a few hours this afternoon making Creme Brulee. It was super duper fun. we even bought the special little bowls for them. and of course we got to use blow torches to burn the top. that was harder then I thought it would be, but it was super fun. AND, I nailed it on the first try. It was smoooth and creeeeamy and sweeeeet and just perfect. I was very pleased. Definitely a treat we're gonna have to make for special events. I'm excited.

So here we are, the last week of June. Honestly, I'm freaking out a little bit. July and August are by far the craziest months of the year. and this year, they are pretty jam packed. The beginning of July I'll be trying to balance working and helping out set up the VBS at my youth group, as well as help teach swimming lessons as SCC. (can't stay away from it. I honestly can't. it's like my home. ) On the 16th my dear cousins come into town from Louisiana for my Great Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary, I'll probably be going up to Aunt Perky's house to spend a week with them, cause I freakin love my cousins. SO. EXCITED. the day after I get home from that I'll be going to the LEAD program with my youth group, which is a Catholic Leadership conference. I've heard a lot of fabulous things about it and I'm anticipating coming back totally in aw. that weekend I'll be attending Steubenville NW, which is another conference that kind of Connects to LEAD, but it's for like, EVERYONE rather then select kids. There's usually 2000 kids who come, not counting the adults. I've been before, and it is SO amazing. It was one of the highlights of my summer in 2009. I didn't get to go last year cause I was gone, but I'm so stoked to be going again. So that raps up July.
In August I'll be finishing up swimming lessons, Helping at VBS for a week, Plus Davids 5th birthday (HOLY BROWN COW) and my 16th birthday the next week. That week is usually jam packed with festivities. Then the week after that, Karen leaves and goes back to Michigan, and I start rehearsals for "Fighting for Myself" at TAC, which will be every week day for 4 weeks till the end of September. and that's basically my life in a really big nutshell.

Mmk. so now after writing that down I'm officially freaked out and a little stressed. good grief. ooooh yeah, and I still need to take my Math Placement test for the Falls.... crap. so I'll be studying for that... I have to take it by September. Meh. not fun. okay. I'm gonna go now. To finish up, life is good, I'm super happy. :)

oh look, a wall.

So, you know how God tells us to go out and tell people about him and be a light in the darkness and all that stuff? I have a huge hunger for that. I have a hunger to have in depth discussions about my faith and tell people why and what I believe in. I have this abundant amount of spiritual wealth and knowledge that has embedded itself into my heart, and I want to share everything I know with people.
So, God planted this hunger, knowledge, and this love in my heart. And I have the tools I need to do what I need to do. But when someone challenges my faith or asks a question, my brain shorts out. My response is usually something like "ah.. dowa...ahh... eeeeeeh...wha... nooo nooot rightttt!!!" And I get so flustered with my self because I have no articulation abilities what so ever, that I can't make an decent statement. It's quite literally like I run in to a wall and I can't get over it. I'm getting so tired of this being the case. Especially now in High School, where I really am getting challenged in my faith and people are asking me questions. I want to be able to say what I mean and mean what I say. I want to know that I'm saying the right thing. But it's soooo hard. :P I can articulate over the Internet. I have no problem with that. I have a friend that I'm constantly debating with, and there have been heated debates about abortion and birth control and other subjects I'm passionate about that I've discussed over the Internet. And that's fine cause I don't have to answer right away and I can really think about things and research and stuff. But once I'm on the spot face to face with someone, I can't do it. So I guess the real problem is thinking on my feet. I suppose practice makes perfect on that kinda thing. But it's so hard to know that I know the answers, but have to learn how to verbalize them. You would think that the two would go hand in hand. and I wish they did. but they don't. And it makes me angry. *sigh* So, I think I might start thinking up questions and verbalizing the answers here for a start. Just for a personal challenge. It will be my project over the summer.

You know, I'm starting to think I have a SuperWoman complex... infact, I think I know I have a SuperWoman complex. See, this problem is probably a perfectly normal problem that everyone comes across and learns to conquor. But me, being a Cc, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have this problem, cause I'm superwoman and I can do things that normal people would have trouble with. And I guess it kinda hurts my pride when I find out I'm not actually SuperWoman. But maybe I should except that I'm a pretty normal flawed human being. And no body's gonna be disappointed in me if I can't do everything perfect the first time. It's really okay. And I will learn and grow and make mistakes. Cause that's just how life works, huh?

Well anyway. Life is good. I haven't started work yet, but I should be getting a call soon from my boss telling me to come in and do orientation and giving me hours and all that. I filled out my first W2 a few days ago. I decided that I don't actually like filling out form after form after form... It's really not all that fun... by the end of a 3 inch stack of papers, I was about ready to scream. hahahah. Luckily my mom was there to help me out and walk me through it. I would have been in tears if she hadn't been there. Good grief. Lemme tell ya, I'm glad I don't have to do that again for awhile. :P

So everyone's out of school for the summer. I'm a junior now. A lot of my friends are seniors now, which is completely mind blowing to me.... I'm actually not so thrilled about high school being halfway over... It occurs to me that my best friends will be off to college a year before I am.... That's terrifying. But I'm trying not to think of that. I'm glad summer's here... It's gonna be a crazy one. I think this has been one of the most intense school years I've had... Looking back to September when I was working on JUVIE, and then thinking about all the events that have happened from then to now, it's crazy. God is so good. Thinking about all the times where He has had his hand over the situation the whole time, even if it seemed like total chaos at the time. He was there taking care of it. :)

Otay. I'm off to go to a Graduation party for a friend. sorry this post was so scatterbrained. it's that kind of day.

"Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth."

Results

So guess what you guys? I'm officially an employed lifeguard. :D
sorry bout that last post. I was scared out of my mind. the swim test was a breeze. I didn't need to be worried. That's usually how it turns out about 95% of the time. But oh well. That's how the Cc rolls.
I'm SO EXCITED! The people who will be working with me are super fun and nice. I enjoyed my time with them. It just seems like a good situation all the way around. The job pays more then minimum wage, so that's definitely a bonus. I'll be making some lovely greens this summer, and I'm gonna be having a good time doing it! So I'm set! I'll be going in sometime this week to sign some papers and get my hours, and then I'm ready to roll.
Dats all for now!

This is me not freaking out. really.

Psh, I'm calm! I don't know what you guys are worried about! I'm fineee!! I'm toootally fine...
Thinking positive. Thiiiiinking positive. no room for Negative thoughts here in this brain. nope. nope nope nope.
So, I did that job interview last week right? yeah. well, it went well. I was the only one out of everyone who had been interviewed so far that already had their Lifeguard Certification. so I was ahead of the game right off da bat. which is good. I freaked out a few times in my head... I answered some questions not as well as I could have. But all in all it was pretty successful, and a learning experience, and I think that's a good thing. I tried my best not to pick apart every little thing I said afterward and beat myself up about it. It was hard though. I got a call yesterday from the Y asking me to come in for a swim test today at 4:00. I really shouldn't be worried. I'm a fairly good swimmer, being that I've spent every summer for the past 5 years at a swimming pool... I'm certainly not the best swimmer in the whole wide world, but I'm not the worst... I have to swim 300 meters, and do some brick diving and assists and all that fun stuff. I think I'm mostly worried about the 300 meters. which is totally pathetic. I've done way more then that. 300 meters is only 6 laps. but I'm still totally terrified. I think I'm just freaked out because in the back of my mind I'm thinking "man, I'm so outta shape... I'm not gonna be able to make it... I'm gonna die. I'm gonna drown and embarrassed myself. I'm gonna faaaaaail" because I'm pretty convinced I fail at everything. in reality, they're not actually looking for the best swimmer i the world. they're just looking for someone who can swim well enough to swim while holding another body if needed. and I can do that no problem. so I shouldn't be scared. but I am. and it's stupid.
I guess I'm also pretty scared about this whole having a job thing in general.... this is actually a job... where you get paid... and you have to be professional and all that... and if you show up late or do something horribly wrong, you get fired... and that's just pretty scary to me! all that responsibility. :P plus, this job is potentially an all year round job. which is super duper cool, but it's like, woah, this will be my job... for a long time... weird... ya know? I don't know. it's like, wooooah potential future! you follow me? yes? no? I don't know. :P But what ever happens, it's God's will, right? So it's gonna be okay either way. otay. I gotta go. I have to go in less then an hour. meeeeeeeh.

all growed up?

Hi there world!
Things have been awfully crazy lately. I pretty much got my future handed to me in the last few days. Well, my future up to this fall. It's pretty crazy. I've been doing all sorts of testing and yucky paperwork so I can go to SFCC this fall, and it's all working out. Yesterday morning I went and took the compass test. It went pretty well. I got a 97 on writing, and a 89 on reading. I didn't take the math because when I got there, they gave me the option of taking it later. And I'm like heck yeah, cause of course I want to put it off as long as possible. But we found out later that I couldn't sign up for orientation until I take the Math. And signing up for orientation was the whole purpose of taking the test. So that was a bummer, but it turned out fine. When I got home I get this phone call from the running start office, and they're like "hey, your scores rock our socks off, and you need to be at a student seminar tomorrow before you start registering for classes." And apparently, the seminar is the same thing as orientation. Which really confuses me, But oh well. I'm hopefully gonna take the math some time this week anyway, and then I'll be totally set. Me and my sisters looked at classes last night, and I think I'm gonna start off with an English class, a photography class, a PE class, and possibly private guitar lessons just to fill in a gap that I have between PE and Photography. So that was super cool. Just figuring everything out right away. I honestly thought this proses would be more complicated then it is. But it's really not a problem.
okay. So that's awesome news number one. Awesome news number 2 is that I got a job interview! I applied for the YMCA as a lifeguard. They had a position open for weekends, which is perfect cause I really did wanna keep this summer pretty open. I got called yesterday, and I have a interview on Thursday at 2. How freakishly awesome is that!?!?!?!!?! I'm just freaking out! Everything I've been stressed about for the last few months is just falling into place, and it's all gonna be okay! GOD IS SO GOOD! I am just so at peace. It's been a pretty crazy road, and growing up is really really scary for me, but it's gonna be okay. God will be there holding my hand the whole way.
I am just so happy you guys. I haven't been so at peace in so long. I'm so glad I'm not doing any theater projects or anything right now. I've really just been spending time with my family and just taking it easy, and it feels so good. I've really been focusing on my relationship with God. Just trusting Him and knowing I can do all things through Him. No matter how difficult. He is so fantastic! I just can't believe it! I'm just totally in aw! :)
Lets see. What else. My big sister Karen is home for the summer. It's really lovely having her home. I wish Clara was here too. She's thinking about staying in Ellensburg over the summer. I'm not too happy about that. I miss her so much when she's gone. The house just isn't the same without her. But we'll see. :P
Well, I think that's all for now. I'll probably post later this week about the interview and all that good stuff. I gotta go do something productive now.

50 days of unrestrained rejoicing.

hey you guys!
so, here we are. the wonderful Easter season. I meant to post during holy week about Triduum. But I didn't get around to it. Which is sad. Cause I had some awesome things to say about that. Triduum is one of my favorite parts of being catholic. It's like, an explosion of grace. It's wonderful. Especially this year. This lent was really, really fruitful for me. I learned a lot and I could really feel God there with me. It was just fantastic.
So here we are, 11 days into Easter, with 39 days to go. Cc is a pretty happy duck. I've got a lot going on. This previous weekend, I went on a retreat with the Young Apostles, which is a special group at my youth group that I'm apart of. It only lasted two short days, but that short time was filled with so much grace and love and goodness. It was so relaxing and beautiful. we didn't really do much. we were at the Immaculate Heart retreat house, which is way up on the south hill almost in the middle of no where. The retreat it's self wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. As a group we finished reading "The Introduction to the Devout Life" by St. Frances DeSales, which is a book we've been reading and discussing together. We went to mass together and we sang praise and worship. We didn't have any speakers or organized games or anything. we made dinner together the one evening we were there, we set up the dining room like a fine dining establishment, we all dressed up the boys acted as our waiters, and it was just a good time. it was about 100 times better then going to a real fancy restaurant. We all worked together to make the dinner, make pretty table settings, and it was good teem work and bonding time. We were just simply being together, and somehow that was enough. Young Apostles is a really special group. I don't really know the kids there very well, I mean, I know them, I've been going to youth group with them for two years or so, but I don't really REALLY know them, ya know? I've never hung out one on one with any of them. But somehow, at this retreat I was able to feel more comfortable around them then I feel around some of my closer friends. it was really nice. It was a family like experience, and I could just tell that that was where I belonged. and I got to know some the people better. I made friends. and I felt so purely happy. It's been awhile since I've felt like that. God is so so wonderfully good. That retreat was just perfect timing for me. I really, really needed that. such a blessing. Even now I just feel so at peace and happy. I can't believe how anyone could not see God's beauty and goodness, and not want to feel this happiness that can only come from Him. Do you ever get that feeling? Like everyone is missing out and that you're the happiest person in the world? It makes me kind of sad, knowing how so many people will never be truly purely happy. It just makes me want to go out and invite people in.
Anyway. This week has been pretty busy. Yesterday My big sister Karen came home for the summer. It's so good to have her home. It feels so empty around the house when my sisters are missing. This summer is gonna be fantastic. Yesterday I also took my first step into applying for Running Start. I took this test that would determine what grade I'm supposedly in. it was rough... especially because my sisters all said that it was a breeze, and it really wasn't for me. Some of it was, the grammar and vocab and that kinda stuff was okay. though, I was having a hard time reading quickly. I'm a pretty slow reader, and even slower under pressure. I've never takin a timed test before, so that wasn't fun. at all. I'm about 100% sure I failed the math section. they didn't let us have calculators, and they were all word problems, so it just wasn't good. I didn't answer enough of the questions to even be close to completing the percentage of right questions I needed to get to pass. I don't know how it's gonna work now. The lady we talked to afterwards said that all that really mattered was the reading stuff, but if you fail one part of the section, doesn't that mean you fail the whole thing? I don't know. I came home a emotional wreck. not fun. I'm just scared and confused and don't know what's gonna happen next. supposedly I'm going to have to take another test in the next two weeks. not excited. It's not fun to feel like your stupid. I'm sure that this test doesn't set the rest of my life or school future, but it's still not okay with me. I'm slightly freaking out. sometimes I think maybe I don't wanna do running start this year... maybe I wanna wait another year. but I don't know. I'm pretty sure this is what I wanna do. but I don't know. I don't know. I've really been enjoying homeschooling lately. it's really wonderful. I'm not sure I've always appreciated it. but lately I just feel so so blessed. It's such a wonderful thing to be growing up around your family, rather then your peers. being surrounded by people who love you no matter what. being able to go to them for everything, and trust that they will be there to help you with no matter what your going through, cheering you on and helping you grow. I'm just so happy where I am right now. I love my family. I love being independent in my schooling. I love learning life lessons around the house, learning to take care of a house and my siblings. And sometimes I think I'm just not ready to give that up yet. maybe my dad's right, maybe I do wanna be a teenager for a few more years. I don't know. it's all just really fuzzy, and taking that test really scared me. *sigh* so yeah. that's whats on my mind today.
Oh! But I do have some happy news! I can't remember if I wrote about this once already, but TAC announced awhile ago that they were doing another social awareness show this summer, titled "Fighting for Myself.". And guess who got invited!!!! DIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!! *happy dance* found out tuesday evening. I could not be more excited. it's certainly gonna be a ride. This it a short synopsis and character list and stuff. if you hit "Cast list and Production notes" you can get more info. But yeah, It's gonna be a lot different then Juvie was. I'm so excited to learn and dig deeper. Especially with these issues. *sigh* It's gonna be a good time. And I know all but one of the 8 girls who were cast. I'm really, really excited to be doing another ensemble piece. :D So yeah. That's my theater news!
Otay. I think I gotta move on with my day. lots to do, lots to do. :) life is good! God is good!

Dinner..

This is what happens when the Manninos make pizza. awyeah. it was delightful. you should be very jealous. :D

dat would be me...

Distractions.

I don't really have anything to blog about. but I feel the need to type and just say hi.... I'm actually avoiding doing some school... I'm calling this "taking a break" but really, I don't need a break and I could easily be going about my studious business. but no, I'm a looser. XD

Hi.
I'm a Cc.
what are you?
that's exciting.

hmm.. well, this weekend I cleaned. a lot. like, serious deep cleaning. like the kind where you clean, and then you clean so deeply that you make a huge mess, and then you clean that up, and then everything smells like cleaner and dust and it's all shiny. that kind of cleaning. and you usually end up rearranging furniture too... with my bedroom, it's so small, that there are limited ways you can rearrange it. but I did anyway. I scooted my bed about 3 feet so the head is against the opposite wall. it feels all new and snazzy now. 3 feet can make all the difference. :D

This weekend I also went on an excellent hike at Bowl and Pitcher with my two best friends Rachael and Mara. That was lovely. It's always nice to have a day were you just laugh and laugh until your sides hurt. Rachael can drive now, so we drove there together, all spiffy with the music cranked up high and our sunglasses on (not really. I don't believe any of us had sunglasses on... but we were eating Fudgesicles! makes us just as cool, right?!) , and then remembered that we don't really know how to get to Bowl and Pitcher. so we wondered about, slightly lost... and then I figured out how to work the GPS, but by then we were already on the right road, headed straight towards our destination. so much for that. all in all, it took us about an hour to get there when it could have only took us 20 minutes. but it was a fun time.
It was a simply gorgeous day out, just perfect for walking around and enjoying Gods creations. We walked and talked and talked and walked, and climbed rocks, and found some pretty blackish blue sparkly dirt that we decided to take home... and yes, we did indeed walk back to are cars with it in our hands. kinda looked like we were carrying poop around... but it was totally worth it. :D and then we ended the expedition with some fabulous Froyo, which we ate at this lovely little spot on the south hill that looks over all of Spokane. Now that's what I call a good day. out
So that was my Friday. Probably the most exciting part of spring break. A lot of my friends went to California or Hawaii or what ever on their spring break. Honestly, I think that day was probably better then their trips combined.

Donuts are really really disgusting. I just had half of a leftover donut from yesterday. It was nummy... but now I have a headache, and that greasy aftertaste in my mouth. Gross. Who decided that frying bread in a ton of fat and then putting a bunch of sugar filled frosting on top was a good idea? It's not. it just makes America obese. And makes Cc grumpy. They should have a label on donuts that say "Do not take if you are a Cc, side affects include grumpiness, obesity, headaches, and general unpleasantness". Cause I really do need a reminder that I really hate those things... I forget... Every time. Kinda like Hot Dogs! hehehe.... My cousin and I have this inside joke about that... She lives way on the other side of the country, and she and her family usually come over here for a few weeks during the summer for the Annual Family Reunion. and you know how family reunions are. They're basically a reason for the men to get together and BBQ. Every night. And occasionally oysters are served. hmm. maybe this is just what happens at our family reunions. but anyway, the BBQ starts and you start to smell hamburgers and Hot Dogs, and after a long day of swimming you're pretty hungry, and as you go through the buffet line, those Hot Dogs look and smell really good. and so Cc says "maaaan, I want a Hot Dog, it'll be worth the calories. I'll just ignore the fact that they're made out of.... hmm.. we wont go there." and so she has a Hot Dog. And every time after she takes her first bite, the immediate response is ALWAYS "I. HATE. HOT DOGS." and her darling cousin Teresa will respond "I know. told ya so." Anyway. It's not really that great of a story. I could have just said that I hate Hot Dogs. but no. I just had to elaborate. because that's what I do. :)

Hmm. I suppose I should get on with my day. I don't especially want to. I've been having a hard time being motivated to do anything lately. which is rather frustrating, cause there is so much to be done. and I just don't want to do any of it. it's weird not having a show going on... I know it's only been a week, and I've closed several shows in the past 6 months, so it shouldn't be all that strange. but it's like, right now I'm looking at about 6 months straight without theater... and that's. weird. I wonder how long it will be before I start going through serious withdrawals... :P probably not long.

I've recently started playing piano again. It feels good. I can tell my fingers have really missed it. I took a break cause.... Well, there's actually no reason why I took a break. I stopped taking lessons, I picked up the guitar, I got caught up in theater, and piano kinda got pushed to the side. mostly I just got lazy about it. It's rather depressing. I really love the guitar a lot, but there's something about the piano... the challenge... that I really like a lot. guitar is a breeze for me. I pick up on things super super fast. but sometimes you need something that really pushes you. so yeah. it's good to be back on track.

okay. I really am going now. *Sigh* see how my brain is right now? it's just all over the place! You know what else I wanna do that I haven't done yet? I wanna learn Italian dang it! graaaaaaaaahfdlajermf. see. there we go again. I have the attention span of a bumble bee. I better go. really. really now. :-/
Going....
Going..
Goooooooing...
Gone.

Big Sister Number 4.

well, it's day 3 of Cc without Dina. I still feel her lagging around here and there, but she'll be gone within a week or so. it's amazing how much a show like that takes outta you. I'm so drained, both emotionally and physically. I've really been taking it easy this week, and just tryin to get back into Cc life again. the last two days have been really hard. I felt sick yesterday, and couldn't explain it. Everything about me just felt dead. and it was unfortunate too, because it was a beautiful day outside. probably the last nice day we're gonna have for awhile.
Towards the end of the day I played tag with my little siblings and that was fun. We were home alone for awhile, and so we made the best of it by playing together outside and eating ice cream while watching a movie. I also got to introduce them to a friend of mine over skype. that was super fun. It kinda hit me that my family doesn't really know any of my friends very well... and that was sad. I'll probably blog about that later. But it was really fun.
I've been learning that I really like my little siblings a lot. They really are incredible little people. I know it's kinda stupid that I'm learning it now... but sometimes it takes time. I usually just leave them to themselves, cause you must understand, Maleny and David are like twins that were born 5 years apart. hahaha. You never see one without the other. And sometimes I feel like I can't be apart of that. So I let them be and just stay out of their way. David adores Maleny, and Maleny is a wonderful big sister, teaching David about life. It's really very beautiful. I'm not really sure why it was never like that for me and Maleny. or me and Clara. maybe it's because Maleny is so short and is more accessible to David then I was to Maleny. Maybe it's because Maleny prayed every night for about 4 years for a younger sibling before David came along, so she has a lot of extra grace from that. I don't know. but I've become rather jealous of the relationship those two have. so I guess I kinda want to slowly integrate myself into that friendship. I guess I'm also kinda lonely.. My big sisters are all grown up and away from the house. I'm just little independent Cc. Now me and my little siblings are more equals then we have been before. Cause when Karen and Clara are home, I'm apart of the Big Girls. I'm the youngest of the big kids, rather then the oldest of the little kids. but when the big kids are gone, I become the oldest of the little kids, ya see? and somehow that puts us on different grounds. I used to think it was a bad thing that I was on the younger side of the 6. but not lately. I kind of enjoy being one of them. being the big sister. chasing them around the yard. baking cookies with them. taking them to the park. laughing with them at their ridiculousness. watching and being present to them. it's a little hard for me, because I live such a different life then they do. I'm bigger, I have lots of events to go to and friends to be with. I spend far too much time on the computer when I could be hanging out with them. so lately I've been trying to balance that out. make sure I spend time with them. it's hard to remember sometimes. cause they're off on their own so often. just like I'm off on my own. but sometimes when I'm on the computer or doing my own thing, I'll have to remind myself that I'm apart of a family and have little siblings who need a big sister. or want one. I'm not really sure. and then getting the will power to get off my butt and spend time with them is pretty hard. but It always feels good afterwords. I've realized that I really have missed a lot of their life cause I was caught up in my own. and that's sad, but it's okay, cause it was just what needed to happen. these few years I've needed to find out who I am, and really focus on me... but I think it might be time to be the big sister. before it's too late and I'm off to college.
I've been watching David closely lately, and seeing what a person he's become. he's got a soul. kinda ties in with my last blog. he has such a distinct personality, the way he talks, what makes him laugh, and the way he cares about Maleny. it's just fun to see him grow. he's learning to control his temper which is a big deal. you can see the wheels turning in his head when he knows he's about to throw a tantrum, and stops himself. it's amazing. Just watching him. he's a beautiful little person.
Maleny is pretty incredible too. she's growing up. sure, she's pretty obnoxious and is a typical almost-10-year old. she has a group of neighbor kids that just adore her and always want to play with her. I don't like them very much, but she has learned a lot of good life lessons through them, so I will give them that. she is very very smart, and I'm not sure she really knows it yet, but she is. It's kind of scary. I wonder what she will become... What she will do when she grows up. I love her a lot. I don't think she knows it. but I do. no matter how mad she makes me sometimes. no matter how annoying she is. I've spent a lot of time yelling at her and failing at being a big sister. so she probably doesn't realize how proud I am of her, or how much I love her. but I do.
It's very humbling, showing them affection. after spending so much time arguing and being annoyed at their existence. sad, but true. I haven't been a very good big sister at all. but better now then when we're all grown up with our own lives, right? *sigh*
I think this summer's gonna be a good one. I'm pretty sure I've set my mind on not getting a job, as much as I need the money and as much as I want a job. I think I need to spend time with my family this summer. and just be with them. hang out with my little siblings. I have some catching up to do.

well, not really sure where that came from... I had no intention of writing about that actually. hahahaha. just started typing and that's what spewed out. not really sure what I was originally going to talk about. probably something silly. I had breakfast at Ultimate bagel this morning with my cousins. so. much. fun. I love them so much! ahhg. both the bagels and my cousins. hahahhaa :)
I shouldn't be blogging right now at all technically. I have to do math and an essay and SAT studying to do.. plus I have swim in about an hour. speaking of which, I freaking love teaching. ahhahahaha probably said that a million times, but I just love those kids so much. I'm so glad I can be apart of their lives for a little bit. even if they don't remember me at all when their my age. oh well. I love it. :)
otay. gotta get a move on what ever I need to do.

Something just Broke.

so.... Tonight "JUVIE" Closed for the very last time. It's officially over. Dina doesn't have to go back in my pocket just in case I need her again, she can die. I'm thinking about holding a short memorial for her. Hahaha I feel like a character needs something bigger. It's a weird feeling... Knowing I will probably never be with that cast all together ever again... Man... We were close... that was family, right there. They talk about how a cast turns into family, but this one, we literally turned into family for each other. We've been through so much together... I saw every single one of that cast cry. I've seen them laugh until they've almost peed their pants. I've seen them scream until their throat cracks. I'm seen them go through withdrawals, or shoot up and die on stage... You don't go through things like this without coming out like family. When we're all together it just feels so comfortable and easy and like we've known each other for years. I don't really know how to explain it... *sigh* I'm gonna miss them all so much. Sure, I'll be in shows with some of them, but we'll never be all together again. And it's sad. Tonight to say goodbye, we played our favorite games all together. we laughed and laughed until we couldn't laugh any more. it was a good way to end it with a bang. I now have bruises from playing our favorite game, captain on deck. I'm surprised nobody broke a bone.
I've learned so much in just this show... and not just about acting. about life. How you can't ever, ever judge people. How everyone, EVERYONE is going through their own battle. So how dare you compare yourself to them, or judge them? I've learned that everyone has a soul. I mean, I knew that, but really. think about it. when you see that punk walking down a dark ally, that girl with the dark makeup at school, that homeless guy on the side of the road, the girl with the skimpy cloths on, what do you think? you think they're this dirty, creepy, zombie-ish, dark piece of crap that is the work of the devil. you think there isn't a speck of good in them. never has been. But you know what? They are Human. Just like us. God put them here. they have a past and a present and future. you have no idea what that person has been through to get them to where they are now. you don't know the pain they've felt. the fear they've felt. the loneliness. the abandonment. abuse. or maybe they chose that living and they like it. how did they get to that point? What influenced them? you really have no idea who they really are, what their back story is, what they've felt, you have no business looking at them and calling them vulgar names. cause they have a soul. God created them in his image. even if they don't know it. they. have. a. soul. we're here to love souls. not to scorn them. not to hate them. a few weeks ago I heard about a 13 year old girl who is pregnant. she is keeping the child. I was hearing this from some of my friends, and they were calling this girl some awful names and just pointing and laughing. And all I could feel was this strong, strong love for that girl. I don't know her. I don't know her name. I've seen some pictures of her, and she's just a girl. just a normal girl 13 year old girl. This girl has a family. goes to school. probably has no faith. was caught up in something she thought was love, and now has a beautiful life living inside her. she probably doesn't feel safe at home anymore, at school she gets bullied and tortured, laughed at, called names, but she is keeping that life. not just snuffing it out, out of fear or embarrassment or any of that. how much courage do you think it takes to do that? I don't care what her motives are for keeping it. she is going through something I can't even imagine going through. something a lot of people are too scared to go through. I honestly have the utmost respect and love for that girl. I don't care how that life got there. I don't care that she was having sex at the wrong time and age and that it was wrong. she is going through such a big battle right now. she has a soul. and it makes me so mad to hear her get verbally abused and judged when we have no flippen idea what she is going through. I haven't stopped praying for that girl and the baby since I heard. I wish I could meet her. I wonder if later in life I'll meet her. probably not. *sigh*
but anyway. I've always had a love for people... and being in Juvie just made me love souls all the more... Took it to a deeper level. It's terrifying thinking about how the fear and the pain and all that we learned to feel in warm ups and during the show, is only a fraction of what people going through the real thing. it's just heart breaking, the story's you hear. And there are so many more untold story's out there that we never hear about. *sigh* Anyway. I feel like I'm getting pretty repetitive now. Sorry. There's just a lot on my mind. It's a scary world out there. But I'm glad I got to dip my toes in a little bit.

This is my part of the performance. there are still things I would have liked to change, but I'm pretty sure I gave it my all last night. it sure felt like it. man... Click Here

TAC announced earlier today that this summer, they are doing another invite only social awareness play for girls. it deals with issues like Sex and teen pregnancy, drugs, bulimia, and much more... I want to get invited so, so bad. once you get a taste of this meaty, substance kind of drama, there's no going back. I just wanna learn more and dig deeper. Ahh. so fingers crossed about that. We'll see what God has in mind.

I start another month of swimming lessons this week. Two days a week. I'm excited. I haven't worked with kids in awhile. Well, awhile as in about a month. ahhahahaa I really love doing this... I love it so much. it's just a joy to work with those kids. It's my happy place.

otay. I think I'm done talking now. that was a long one... hahaha. hope everyone's having a lovely start of April. welcome to month 4 of 2011. only 8 more months to go with this year. scary. hehehehe. :)

Essays and Punks.

So, I've been going through what I need to be learning for the SAT. nothing looks tooooo horribly scary. the vocab and sentince structure and that kinda stuff all look fine. the math... well, it's math. but it looks like it might be possible for me to pass. and then there's the essay. I think I've said before that I'm terrified of writing essays. mostly because I haven't had a lot of experience. but now after reading a few of the prompts, I know why I'm scared.

The things I could be writing about, may or may not be things I have any knowledge about what so ever. I may not know what my opinion is on the subject cause I haven't really thought about it. maybe I just don't care at all. maybe I honestly don't have an opinion either way. what am I supposed to write about?
Being timed. no. nope. can't do it. there's a time limit. there is no way in heck that I will ever be able to write anything in 25 minutes or so. the thought of it makes my stomach curl up. I should never ever be forced to write anything in less then an hour. especially something that I may or may not know anything about. It also brings back memories... sitting at the table with tears in my eyes and a sick feeling in my stomach, being timed to eat my peas in less then 2 minutes, or else I would have to leave the table and go with out dinner, or the important part, desert. not cool with me. I probably could have eaten my peas without the timer. but the fact that there was a timer there, froze up my entire system. plus, the whole situation it rather humiliating. I don't want people watching me while I eat my peas! how bout everyone goes away, I eat my peas, and then I get ice cream. everything would be much easier. same thing goes with writing. I don't want anyone to see what I've written or watch while I'm writing! go away and leave me alone!
I'm. Scared.
Where do you start. where do you end. what goes in the middle. where the heck am I going with this? do I really believe what I'm writing? do I have my facts straight? am I staying on topic and writing about what they want me to write about? BLAH.
Fear of failure.
I don't know. it's all just really scary and risky to me. I'm sure a lot of people have these fears. and I'm just gonna have to push them aside and get to it. I just gotta get over this hump that I can't do it. cause I can. my older sisters have all done it. they're smart and successful and they probably went through this time of doubt. I can do it too. I just gotta stop having all these emotions and fears and do something about it. but I don't wannnt tooo. *sigh*

Okay. We're done talking about that now. It's thursday. Tonight we have our last Tech rehearsal for "JUVIE". Tomorrow we open for the last time. 3 shows. Friday Saturday and Sunday. It's really been cool doing this show again. experimenting with different parts of my character that I haven't before. tweaking things to make it more authentic. There's always something you want to change after a show ends and you see the end product. something you could have done better. and we got the chance to go back and fix it and make it 100 times better then it was the first time. And that is really, really super cool. I got to take the things I learned in the last 2 shows I've done in between, and apply it now. It was a good refresher course too. Remembering tips that you've forgotten. one of the big ones I remembered this week, was that "volume DOES NOT equal intensity." meaning, you can yell all you want, but it doesn't carry everything. it doesn't show the emotion. most of the time, it just shows you can yell really loud. you can be intense and scary without yelling. you can show anger without yelling. it's hard, but it's really incredible once you figure it out. and especially in my part, it's so easy to get carried away with the yelling and the screaming and the crying, but you have to balance that out. I wish I had remembered that when I was being marilla. it wasn't a huge problem. but there were times when I was projecting in order to show frustration or anger, and it actually didn't come across very well from the audience perspective. so yeah. cool thing to think about and to work on. this is just such an amazing project, and it's so cool that we've had the opportunity to do it again. it's going to be bigger and better then ever. I hope a lot of people come. it would really suck if no one came. so if anyone's reading this in town, please come. it would rock my world. :)

So yeah. Other then Juvie, not a lot is going on. My dad got a Hernia surgery a week ago as of Friday. he's doing really well. but it was pretty scary. Glad we got it taken care of. it's been fun having him home. I'm learning things about my dad that I didn't know before. and I'm sure he's enjoying watching our every day life that he doesn't get to see very often. I love my dad a lot. he's a really amazing guy. He's been watching some physics lectures with me for my school. I've decided I kinda like physics. and it's fun to talk with him about it afterward. He likes physics a lot too. I found out it's one of his favorite things to learn about. Cool beans. :)

Otay. I gotta start getting my punk makeup on. fun stuff. :) hope everyone had a fabulous March, it was a pretty bumpy one for me, but all is well. God is GOOD.

future? :P

Slow. week. blah.
you know those weeks where the minutes go by reeeeally slowly... and everyday feels like the same.. and you don't feel like you're getting anything productive done? yep. that's the kind of week I'm having. which is kinda surprising to me, cause Sunday and Saturday were really happy nice days, and I was all optimistic about this week and was ready to kick some butt... and now that I'm here... I just want to stay in my bed. all day long. blaaaaaaaaah. I'm anti social too. I don't wanna see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. actually, that was a lie. I DO want to talk to people. but when ever I do I just get annoyed and angry. today I was going through and organizing pictures from the last 6 or so months. I found myself glaring at some of the people in the pictures. not good. and it's not like I'm angry at those people at the moment, I was just angry at their faces.... oh dear... I don't feel good... why is it only tuesday? this weekend seems like forever away. it probably is. 4 days away. that's forever.
on Saturday I have the first rehearsal for the Juvie encore. I'm getting really excited. we're gonna do a read through, and play games, and watch the DVD, and start blocking again. it's gonna be supah dupah fun. :D really, really, really excited. not excited enough to get me out of this bad mood though. meh. it's so far awaaaay. :-/
you know what else I'm getting slightly excited about? school. yeah, I know. I've been complaining about it for forever. and now I'm thinkin "YEAAAAAAAAH LETS DO THIS THING". I'm crazy. but I'm just ready for it, ya know? I mean, I'm not wanting it to be here RIGHT NOW, I'm fine with the distance between now and this fall. but I feel like it's time. and I'm excited about getting my hands dirty and learning. it's a good feeling. much better then the "oh my goodness I don't wanna take the SAT I don't wanna do running start I just want to RUN AWAAAAY" feeling. :P you know what's weird though? my dad doesn't want me to go. he keeps encouraging me to wait another year or two, and telling me things like "I just want you to be a kid for a little longer". and of course, me being the Cc who wants to please everybody and make everybody else happy, it worries me, and I don't know what to do... what if going to school does actually mean I throw my last few teenage years away? I know there's gonna be a lot more stress then I'm used to dealing with. I wont have as much time for doing things I really love. I wont spend as much time with my family. My mom told me today that my dad is also worried about the boys that will be there. see, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I'm kinda a guy magnet. I don't try to be.. I don't want to be... it just happens... I'm a Cc. and lately I've been having a lot of guy drama. and that's been hard. my mom told me awhile ago that I'm a "natural flirt". I believe it. sometimes I'm a flirt even when I don't realize I'm flirting. I don't think too much about my actions. and then something happens, the guy will want to ask me out, and I'll have to put my foot in my mouth. ouch. I guess I'm becoming a very beautiful young lady, and I'm slightly oblivious to the fact. and then all the sudden guys are asking me out and flirting with me and it's overwhelming and confusing and I don't know what to do, or sometimes I do know what to do, and I don't have the courage to do it, and then about 75% of the time I do the wrong thing. but I am learning. I really am. it's just hard... and so my dad, he knows that there will be guys there. older guys. scarier guys. not just 14-16 year old guys who think themselves "in love" with Cc. older guys who probably don't have the best intentions. And Cc will have to deal with it and be all Mature. And he's worried about his Cc. and I'm not really sure what to think about that. I'm worried too, but at the same time, I'm gonna have to learn to deal with it someday, I can't stay the same naive Cc for forever. I need to learn grow and be strong, and I think it's time. as much as it scares me, I want to move on. God will be there with me. I don't think I'd be very happy if I waited another year. I'd be restless and frustrated and all that anxiety I have about school would just grow. :-/
so yeah. I'm worried about my daddy. and I'm worried about what I should do. and then there's the whole summer job thing... I really want to get a job. I really wanna be a lifeguard and earn some money and all that good stuff... but at the same time, this is my last summer before I start school... and I kinda feel like I need to be at home with my family. plus, I'm gonna have to take a lot of time off, cause I have two retreats that I'm going to with my Youth Group, and then the family reunion sometime in july. so I'm not really sure what to do about that. I've been waiting to get this job since I was what, 10? and now that I'm finally old enough, I'm not sure I should. gahhhhhh.. life isn't easy, is it? with all it's changes and decisions. meh.

okay. I think I need to move on with my grumpy day. try to do something productive. maybe I'll make dinner tonight. that would make things better. I like making dinner.
otay. have a nice evening ever

inside the fuzzy head... and thoughts from "Anne"

So guess who's sittin here with a stuffy nose and a snot rag? das right. this girl right here. gahhh. I've got the after-show- sickness. I swear, I've gotten sick more times this year then last year altogether. gah. but I don't know. it's a relaxing sickness. it's like, God saying to Cc she needs to rest up a bit before starting another project. hahaha. yeaaaaaaah.
so. "Anne of Green Gables" closed with a bang this Sunday. man. it was an intense ride... so much happened in those 10 weeks... rehearsals were a perfect mixture of fun and professionalism. sometimes it would lean more towards fun and goofy, and it was really, really hard at times, emotionally, and challenging, there were times where I wanted to quit and just get it over with, there were times where I hit a wall and felt like I couldn't go on, but all in all, it was entirely worth it.and in then end we put on a show that touched the hearts of many, many people. it was really overwhelming and a little surreal hearing the compliments that people had for us. I had no idea what kind of incredible project I was getting into when I auditioned. "Anne" made more money for TAC then any of the shows in the past 2 years. (correct me if I'm wrong.. that's what I heard going around backstage) which was really incredible and good for TAC. they needed that. our cast was one of the most talented casts I've ever been apart of. It's really beautiful seeing such a mixed bag of actors and actress's come together and make a show that blew people away. we really came from all over the place. different personality's. different theater backgrounds. some being old veterans of TAC, some being brand new to theater, some being new to TAC, and that's usually how it is... but some how this cast was different from any cast I've ever been apart of.. I'm just not sure how to put words to it. I guess now that I really think about it, I think it was that EVER SINGLE ONE of us was there for one reason. we had one thing in common. We are passionate about acting. we weren't there for the socializing and the people, we weren't there because we were bored and we had nothing better to do, we weren't there because our parents forced us to, we weren't there because it's another show and you "might as well" but because we wanted to be there for the SHOW. to do what we love best and what we are the most passionate about. to act. we came there to learn and to grow. I remember during the first read through we had, I was a little skeptical to what this show would turn out to be... I remember thinking that it was a really "awkward"cast and I had no idea how we were gonna be able mesh together and make a show. and the interesting thing is, is that I don't think we ever did really mesh together. every single one of us stood out as an individual. we were all unbelievably talented and our characters stood out like a star. and you'd think that that would make a pretty odd show, but while we stood out and shined in our own way, we blended together. the chemistry between the characters was beautiful. I wanna say it was like an orchestra, but it wasn't. because can you distinctly hear and tell the different between one violin and another in the pit? no. not usually. unless there's a really bad violin in there. baha. which there wasn't. we were all different and had our own characters, and we owned them like none other. but we worked together and blended into one. I think that's as good as I'm gonna get to explaining it. hahaha. one of the most common compliments I got was that the depth of the characters was so deep and REAL. I got that from two professional actors. As I said, it was all very surreal. I had to constantly keep reminding myself that it all came from God. all our talent. all the glory went to God. and that's really where the most happiness came from. I learned that it's so easy to get caught up and excited about the compliments. but you can never be truly happy with yourself and unless you're doing it for God, and with God, and through God. I never really feel like I deserve the compliments I get. But I decided that instead of denying that I did a good job, or saying thank you with an awkward smile, I decided the best thing to do was to say thank you and then tell the person it was all God. And it really helped me keep the focus on Him. good stuff right there.
So all in all, Anne has been an amazing experience that I will never, ever ever forget. I'm so proud of everyone who was apart of it, and I'm so glad I was able to be apart of it. Marilla was by far the most complex deep, incredible character I've ever had the honor of portraying. it was really quite nerve racking playing such a well known character, cause I know everyone has their own idea on how she should be played. especially with the movies and all. It was really hard knowing what an incredible job Colleen Dewhurst does, and then thinking that the people coming to the show would expect me to live up to that. I really had to push that outta my mind and just go for it. make a completely original Marilla and make her my own. and it was reeeally haaaard, but it was a really fantastic challenge and I enjoyed it thoroughly. :)

What's next? well, in two weeks TAC is bringing back Juvie. we're going to do another weekend of shows like an encore. I'm pretty stoked about that. though, I'm not especially excited to go back into that dark stinky place again. it's a rather frighting place... I'm gonna have to pull Dina out of my pocket again, with all her terrifying emotion and pain and fear. I'm excited... but it's gonna be pretty draining. it'll be good to reconnect with that cast again though. I miss my juvie gang.
what else... I'm also getting more involved with my youth group which is really good and exciting. I joined the Young Apostles, which is like youth group, except more intense and deep, and you have to apply to get in, and it's for teens that want a far deeper relationship with jesus, and it's like, a second family, and it's just really supper duper awesome. hahahaha :D

This week I got certified for CPR. so I can OFFICIALLY get a job being a lifeguard now. this is for real this time. hahaha. I can get a job this summer. super stoked. :D

annnnd then there's school......... hmm.. yeah... yuck. we wont talk about that. bahaha

so that's the update on my life! after juvie, I'm taking a break from theater till next season. we'll see how good the show lineup is. but I need a break. I've just done three shows straight, and that's a lot for me... I haven't had a break since September. yikes. so yeah. time for Cc to focus on school... and family... and Jesus. and all that good stuff.

Otay. I think it's nap time for Cc. Cold meds are kicking in. baha. I'll try to blog more often. it's just been crazy lately.
peace out home skillet! (HAHAHA... I don't know why that cracks me so much... oh dear.)