well, it's day 3 of Cc without Dina. I still feel her lagging around here and there, but she'll be gone within a week or so. it's amazing how much a show like that takes outta you. I'm so drained, both emotionally and physically. I've really been taking it easy this week, and just tryin to get back into Cc life again. the last two days have been really hard. I felt sick yesterday, and couldn't explain it. Everything about me just felt dead. and it was unfortunate too, because it was a beautiful day outside. probably the last nice day we're gonna have for awhile.
Towards the end of the day I played tag with my little siblings and that was fun. We were home alone for awhile, and so we made the best of it by playing together outside and eating ice cream while watching a movie. I also got to introduce them to a friend of mine over skype. that was super fun. It kinda hit me that my family doesn't really know any of my friends very well... and that was sad. I'll probably blog about that later. But it was really fun.
I've been learning that I really like my little siblings a lot. They really are incredible little people. I know it's kinda stupid that I'm learning it now... but sometimes it takes time. I usually just leave them to themselves, cause you must understand, Maleny and David are like twins that were born 5 years apart. hahaha. You never see one without the other. And sometimes I feel like I can't be apart of that. So I let them be and just stay out of their way. David adores Maleny, and Maleny is a wonderful big sister, teaching David about life. It's really very beautiful. I'm not really sure why it was never like that for me and Maleny. or me and Clara. maybe it's because Maleny is so short and is more accessible to David then I was to Maleny. Maybe it's because Maleny prayed every night for about 4 years for a younger sibling before David came along, so she has a lot of extra grace from that. I don't know. but I've become rather jealous of the relationship those two have. so I guess I kinda want to slowly integrate myself into that friendship. I guess I'm also kinda lonely.. My big sisters are all grown up and away from the house. I'm just little independent Cc. Now me and my little siblings are more equals then we have been before. Cause when Karen and Clara are home, I'm apart of the Big Girls. I'm the youngest of the big kids, rather then the oldest of the little kids. but when the big kids are gone, I become the oldest of the little kids, ya see? and somehow that puts us on different grounds. I used to think it was a bad thing that I was on the younger side of the 6. but not lately. I kind of enjoy being one of them. being the big sister. chasing them around the yard. baking cookies with them. taking them to the park. laughing with them at their ridiculousness. watching and being present to them. it's a little hard for me, because I live such a different life then they do. I'm bigger, I have lots of events to go to and friends to be with. I spend far too much time on the computer when I could be hanging out with them. so lately I've been trying to balance that out. make sure I spend time with them. it's hard to remember sometimes. cause they're off on their own so often. just like I'm off on my own. but sometimes when I'm on the computer or doing my own thing, I'll have to remind myself that I'm apart of a family and have little siblings who need a big sister. or want one. I'm not really sure. and then getting the will power to get off my butt and spend time with them is pretty hard. but It always feels good afterwords. I've realized that I really have missed a lot of their life cause I was caught up in my own. and that's sad, but it's okay, cause it was just what needed to happen. these few years I've needed to find out who I am, and really focus on me... but I think it might be time to be the big sister. before it's too late and I'm off to college.
I've been watching David closely lately, and seeing what a person he's become. he's got a soul. kinda ties in with my last blog. he has such a distinct personality, the way he talks, what makes him laugh, and the way he cares about Maleny. it's just fun to see him grow. he's learning to control his temper which is a big deal. you can see the wheels turning in his head when he knows he's about to throw a tantrum, and stops himself. it's amazing. Just watching him. he's a beautiful little person.
Maleny is pretty incredible too. she's growing up. sure, she's pretty obnoxious and is a typical almost-10-year old. she has a group of neighbor kids that just adore her and always want to play with her. I don't like them very much, but she has learned a lot of good life lessons through them, so I will give them that. she is very very smart, and I'm not sure she really knows it yet, but she is. It's kind of scary. I wonder what she will become... What she will do when she grows up. I love her a lot. I don't think she knows it. but I do. no matter how mad she makes me sometimes. no matter how annoying she is. I've spent a lot of time yelling at her and failing at being a big sister. so she probably doesn't realize how proud I am of her, or how much I love her. but I do.
It's very humbling, showing them affection. after spending so much time arguing and being annoyed at their existence. sad, but true. I haven't been a very good big sister at all. but better now then when we're all grown up with our own lives, right? *sigh*
I think this summer's gonna be a good one. I'm pretty sure I've set my mind on not getting a job, as much as I need the money and as much as I want a job. I think I need to spend time with my family this summer. and just be with them. hang out with my little siblings. I have some catching up to do.
well, not really sure where that came from... I had no intention of writing about that actually. hahahaha. just started typing and that's what spewed out. not really sure what I was originally going to talk about. probably something silly. I had breakfast at Ultimate bagel this morning with my cousins. so. much. fun. I love them so much! ahhg. both the bagels and my cousins. hahahhaa :)
I shouldn't be blogging right now at all technically. I have to do math and an essay and SAT studying to do.. plus I have swim in about an hour. speaking of which, I freaking love teaching. ahhahahaha probably said that a million times, but I just love those kids so much. I'm so glad I can be apart of their lives for a little bit. even if they don't remember me at all when their my age. oh well. I love it. :)
otay. gotta get a move on what ever I need to do.
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