Essays and Punks.

So, I've been going through what I need to be learning for the SAT. nothing looks tooooo horribly scary. the vocab and sentince structure and that kinda stuff all look fine. the math... well, it's math. but it looks like it might be possible for me to pass. and then there's the essay. I think I've said before that I'm terrified of writing essays. mostly because I haven't had a lot of experience. but now after reading a few of the prompts, I know why I'm scared.

The things I could be writing about, may or may not be things I have any knowledge about what so ever. I may not know what my opinion is on the subject cause I haven't really thought about it. maybe I just don't care at all. maybe I honestly don't have an opinion either way. what am I supposed to write about?
Being timed. no. nope. can't do it. there's a time limit. there is no way in heck that I will ever be able to write anything in 25 minutes or so. the thought of it makes my stomach curl up. I should never ever be forced to write anything in less then an hour. especially something that I may or may not know anything about. It also brings back memories... sitting at the table with tears in my eyes and a sick feeling in my stomach, being timed to eat my peas in less then 2 minutes, or else I would have to leave the table and go with out dinner, or the important part, desert. not cool with me. I probably could have eaten my peas without the timer. but the fact that there was a timer there, froze up my entire system. plus, the whole situation it rather humiliating. I don't want people watching me while I eat my peas! how bout everyone goes away, I eat my peas, and then I get ice cream. everything would be much easier. same thing goes with writing. I don't want anyone to see what I've written or watch while I'm writing! go away and leave me alone!
I'm. Scared.
Where do you start. where do you end. what goes in the middle. where the heck am I going with this? do I really believe what I'm writing? do I have my facts straight? am I staying on topic and writing about what they want me to write about? BLAH.
Fear of failure.
I don't know. it's all just really scary and risky to me. I'm sure a lot of people have these fears. and I'm just gonna have to push them aside and get to it. I just gotta get over this hump that I can't do it. cause I can. my older sisters have all done it. they're smart and successful and they probably went through this time of doubt. I can do it too. I just gotta stop having all these emotions and fears and do something about it. but I don't wannnt tooo. *sigh*

Okay. We're done talking about that now. It's thursday. Tonight we have our last Tech rehearsal for "JUVIE". Tomorrow we open for the last time. 3 shows. Friday Saturday and Sunday. It's really been cool doing this show again. experimenting with different parts of my character that I haven't before. tweaking things to make it more authentic. There's always something you want to change after a show ends and you see the end product. something you could have done better. and we got the chance to go back and fix it and make it 100 times better then it was the first time. And that is really, really super cool. I got to take the things I learned in the last 2 shows I've done in between, and apply it now. It was a good refresher course too. Remembering tips that you've forgotten. one of the big ones I remembered this week, was that "volume DOES NOT equal intensity." meaning, you can yell all you want, but it doesn't carry everything. it doesn't show the emotion. most of the time, it just shows you can yell really loud. you can be intense and scary without yelling. you can show anger without yelling. it's hard, but it's really incredible once you figure it out. and especially in my part, it's so easy to get carried away with the yelling and the screaming and the crying, but you have to balance that out. I wish I had remembered that when I was being marilla. it wasn't a huge problem. but there were times when I was projecting in order to show frustration or anger, and it actually didn't come across very well from the audience perspective. so yeah. cool thing to think about and to work on. this is just such an amazing project, and it's so cool that we've had the opportunity to do it again. it's going to be bigger and better then ever. I hope a lot of people come. it would really suck if no one came. so if anyone's reading this in town, please come. it would rock my world. :)

So yeah. Other then Juvie, not a lot is going on. My dad got a Hernia surgery a week ago as of Friday. he's doing really well. but it was pretty scary. Glad we got it taken care of. it's been fun having him home. I'm learning things about my dad that I didn't know before. and I'm sure he's enjoying watching our every day life that he doesn't get to see very often. I love my dad a lot. he's a really amazing guy. He's been watching some physics lectures with me for my school. I've decided I kinda like physics. and it's fun to talk with him about it afterward. He likes physics a lot too. I found out it's one of his favorite things to learn about. Cool beans. :)

Otay. I gotta start getting my punk makeup on. fun stuff. :) hope everyone had a fabulous March, it was a pretty bumpy one for me, but all is well. God is GOOD.

future? :P

Slow. week. blah.
you know those weeks where the minutes go by reeeeally slowly... and everyday feels like the same.. and you don't feel like you're getting anything productive done? yep. that's the kind of week I'm having. which is kinda surprising to me, cause Sunday and Saturday were really happy nice days, and I was all optimistic about this week and was ready to kick some butt... and now that I'm here... I just want to stay in my bed. all day long. blaaaaaaaaah. I'm anti social too. I don't wanna see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. actually, that was a lie. I DO want to talk to people. but when ever I do I just get annoyed and angry. today I was going through and organizing pictures from the last 6 or so months. I found myself glaring at some of the people in the pictures. not good. and it's not like I'm angry at those people at the moment, I was just angry at their faces.... oh dear... I don't feel good... why is it only tuesday? this weekend seems like forever away. it probably is. 4 days away. that's forever.
on Saturday I have the first rehearsal for the Juvie encore. I'm getting really excited. we're gonna do a read through, and play games, and watch the DVD, and start blocking again. it's gonna be supah dupah fun. :D really, really, really excited. not excited enough to get me out of this bad mood though. meh. it's so far awaaaay. :-/
you know what else I'm getting slightly excited about? school. yeah, I know. I've been complaining about it for forever. and now I'm thinkin "YEAAAAAAAAH LETS DO THIS THING". I'm crazy. but I'm just ready for it, ya know? I mean, I'm not wanting it to be here RIGHT NOW, I'm fine with the distance between now and this fall. but I feel like it's time. and I'm excited about getting my hands dirty and learning. it's a good feeling. much better then the "oh my goodness I don't wanna take the SAT I don't wanna do running start I just want to RUN AWAAAAY" feeling. :P you know what's weird though? my dad doesn't want me to go. he keeps encouraging me to wait another year or two, and telling me things like "I just want you to be a kid for a little longer". and of course, me being the Cc who wants to please everybody and make everybody else happy, it worries me, and I don't know what to do... what if going to school does actually mean I throw my last few teenage years away? I know there's gonna be a lot more stress then I'm used to dealing with. I wont have as much time for doing things I really love. I wont spend as much time with my family. My mom told me today that my dad is also worried about the boys that will be there. see, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I'm kinda a guy magnet. I don't try to be.. I don't want to be... it just happens... I'm a Cc. and lately I've been having a lot of guy drama. and that's been hard. my mom told me awhile ago that I'm a "natural flirt". I believe it. sometimes I'm a flirt even when I don't realize I'm flirting. I don't think too much about my actions. and then something happens, the guy will want to ask me out, and I'll have to put my foot in my mouth. ouch. I guess I'm becoming a very beautiful young lady, and I'm slightly oblivious to the fact. and then all the sudden guys are asking me out and flirting with me and it's overwhelming and confusing and I don't know what to do, or sometimes I do know what to do, and I don't have the courage to do it, and then about 75% of the time I do the wrong thing. but I am learning. I really am. it's just hard... and so my dad, he knows that there will be guys there. older guys. scarier guys. not just 14-16 year old guys who think themselves "in love" with Cc. older guys who probably don't have the best intentions. And Cc will have to deal with it and be all Mature. And he's worried about his Cc. and I'm not really sure what to think about that. I'm worried too, but at the same time, I'm gonna have to learn to deal with it someday, I can't stay the same naive Cc for forever. I need to learn grow and be strong, and I think it's time. as much as it scares me, I want to move on. God will be there with me. I don't think I'd be very happy if I waited another year. I'd be restless and frustrated and all that anxiety I have about school would just grow. :-/
so yeah. I'm worried about my daddy. and I'm worried about what I should do. and then there's the whole summer job thing... I really want to get a job. I really wanna be a lifeguard and earn some money and all that good stuff... but at the same time, this is my last summer before I start school... and I kinda feel like I need to be at home with my family. plus, I'm gonna have to take a lot of time off, cause I have two retreats that I'm going to with my Youth Group, and then the family reunion sometime in july. so I'm not really sure what to do about that. I've been waiting to get this job since I was what, 10? and now that I'm finally old enough, I'm not sure I should. gahhhhhh.. life isn't easy, is it? with all it's changes and decisions. meh.

okay. I think I need to move on with my grumpy day. try to do something productive. maybe I'll make dinner tonight. that would make things better. I like making dinner.
otay. have a nice evening ever

inside the fuzzy head... and thoughts from "Anne"

So guess who's sittin here with a stuffy nose and a snot rag? das right. this girl right here. gahhh. I've got the after-show- sickness. I swear, I've gotten sick more times this year then last year altogether. gah. but I don't know. it's a relaxing sickness. it's like, God saying to Cc she needs to rest up a bit before starting another project. hahaha. yeaaaaaaah.
so. "Anne of Green Gables" closed with a bang this Sunday. man. it was an intense ride... so much happened in those 10 weeks... rehearsals were a perfect mixture of fun and professionalism. sometimes it would lean more towards fun and goofy, and it was really, really hard at times, emotionally, and challenging, there were times where I wanted to quit and just get it over with, there were times where I hit a wall and felt like I couldn't go on, but all in all, it was entirely worth it.and in then end we put on a show that touched the hearts of many, many people. it was really overwhelming and a little surreal hearing the compliments that people had for us. I had no idea what kind of incredible project I was getting into when I auditioned. "Anne" made more money for TAC then any of the shows in the past 2 years. (correct me if I'm wrong.. that's what I heard going around backstage) which was really incredible and good for TAC. they needed that. our cast was one of the most talented casts I've ever been apart of. It's really beautiful seeing such a mixed bag of actors and actress's come together and make a show that blew people away. we really came from all over the place. different personality's. different theater backgrounds. some being old veterans of TAC, some being brand new to theater, some being new to TAC, and that's usually how it is... but some how this cast was different from any cast I've ever been apart of.. I'm just not sure how to put words to it. I guess now that I really think about it, I think it was that EVER SINGLE ONE of us was there for one reason. we had one thing in common. We are passionate about acting. we weren't there for the socializing and the people, we weren't there because we were bored and we had nothing better to do, we weren't there because our parents forced us to, we weren't there because it's another show and you "might as well" but because we wanted to be there for the SHOW. to do what we love best and what we are the most passionate about. to act. we came there to learn and to grow. I remember during the first read through we had, I was a little skeptical to what this show would turn out to be... I remember thinking that it was a really "awkward"cast and I had no idea how we were gonna be able mesh together and make a show. and the interesting thing is, is that I don't think we ever did really mesh together. every single one of us stood out as an individual. we were all unbelievably talented and our characters stood out like a star. and you'd think that that would make a pretty odd show, but while we stood out and shined in our own way, we blended together. the chemistry between the characters was beautiful. I wanna say it was like an orchestra, but it wasn't. because can you distinctly hear and tell the different between one violin and another in the pit? no. not usually. unless there's a really bad violin in there. baha. which there wasn't. we were all different and had our own characters, and we owned them like none other. but we worked together and blended into one. I think that's as good as I'm gonna get to explaining it. hahaha. one of the most common compliments I got was that the depth of the characters was so deep and REAL. I got that from two professional actors. As I said, it was all very surreal. I had to constantly keep reminding myself that it all came from God. all our talent. all the glory went to God. and that's really where the most happiness came from. I learned that it's so easy to get caught up and excited about the compliments. but you can never be truly happy with yourself and unless you're doing it for God, and with God, and through God. I never really feel like I deserve the compliments I get. But I decided that instead of denying that I did a good job, or saying thank you with an awkward smile, I decided the best thing to do was to say thank you and then tell the person it was all God. And it really helped me keep the focus on Him. good stuff right there.
So all in all, Anne has been an amazing experience that I will never, ever ever forget. I'm so proud of everyone who was apart of it, and I'm so glad I was able to be apart of it. Marilla was by far the most complex deep, incredible character I've ever had the honor of portraying. it was really quite nerve racking playing such a well known character, cause I know everyone has their own idea on how she should be played. especially with the movies and all. It was really hard knowing what an incredible job Colleen Dewhurst does, and then thinking that the people coming to the show would expect me to live up to that. I really had to push that outta my mind and just go for it. make a completely original Marilla and make her my own. and it was reeeally haaaard, but it was a really fantastic challenge and I enjoyed it thoroughly. :)

What's next? well, in two weeks TAC is bringing back Juvie. we're going to do another weekend of shows like an encore. I'm pretty stoked about that. though, I'm not especially excited to go back into that dark stinky place again. it's a rather frighting place... I'm gonna have to pull Dina out of my pocket again, with all her terrifying emotion and pain and fear. I'm excited... but it's gonna be pretty draining. it'll be good to reconnect with that cast again though. I miss my juvie gang.
what else... I'm also getting more involved with my youth group which is really good and exciting. I joined the Young Apostles, which is like youth group, except more intense and deep, and you have to apply to get in, and it's for teens that want a far deeper relationship with jesus, and it's like, a second family, and it's just really supper duper awesome. hahahaha :D

This week I got certified for CPR. so I can OFFICIALLY get a job being a lifeguard now. this is for real this time. hahaha. I can get a job this summer. super stoked. :D

annnnd then there's school......... hmm.. yeah... yuck. we wont talk about that. bahaha

so that's the update on my life! after juvie, I'm taking a break from theater till next season. we'll see how good the show lineup is. but I need a break. I've just done three shows straight, and that's a lot for me... I haven't had a break since September. yikes. so yeah. time for Cc to focus on school... and family... and Jesus. and all that good stuff.

Otay. I think it's nap time for Cc. Cold meds are kicking in. baha. I'll try to blog more often. it's just been crazy lately.
peace out home skillet! (HAHAHA... I don't know why that cracks me so much... oh dear.)