So, I've been going through what I need to be learning for the SAT. nothing looks tooooo horribly scary. the vocab and sentince structure and that kinda stuff all look fine. the math... well, it's math. but it looks like it might be possible for me to pass. and then there's the essay. I think I've said before that I'm terrified of writing essays. mostly because I haven't had a lot of experience. but now after reading a few of the prompts, I know why I'm scared.
The things I could be writing about, may or may not be things I have any knowledge about what so ever. I may not know what my opinion is on the subject cause I haven't really thought about it. maybe I just don't care at all. maybe I honestly don't have an opinion either way. what am I supposed to write about?
Being timed. no. nope. can't do it. there's a time limit. there is no way in heck that I will ever be able to write anything in 25 minutes or so. the thought of it makes my stomach curl up. I should never ever be forced to write anything in less then an hour. especially something that I may or may not know anything about. It also brings back memories... sitting at the table with tears in my eyes and a sick feeling in my stomach, being timed to eat my peas in less then 2 minutes, or else I would have to leave the table and go with out dinner, or the important part, desert. not cool with me. I probably could have eaten my peas without the timer. but the fact that there was a timer there, froze up my entire system. plus, the whole situation it rather humiliating. I don't want people watching me while I eat my peas! how bout everyone goes away, I eat my peas, and then I get ice cream. everything would be much easier. same thing goes with writing. I don't want anyone to see what I've written or watch while I'm writing! go away and leave me alone!
I'm. Scared.
Where do you start. where do you end. what goes in the middle. where the heck am I going with this? do I really believe what I'm writing? do I have my facts straight? am I staying on topic and writing about what they want me to write about? BLAH.
Fear of failure.
I don't know. it's all just really scary and risky to me. I'm sure a lot of people have these fears. and I'm just gonna have to push them aside and get to it. I just gotta get over this hump that I can't do it. cause I can. my older sisters have all done it. they're smart and successful and they probably went through this time of doubt. I can do it too. I just gotta stop having all these emotions and fears and do something about it. but I don't wannnt tooo. *sigh*
Okay. We're done talking about that now. It's thursday. Tonight we have our last Tech rehearsal for "JUVIE". Tomorrow we open for the last time. 3 shows. Friday Saturday and Sunday. It's really been cool doing this show again. experimenting with different parts of my character that I haven't before. tweaking things to make it more authentic. There's always something you want to change after a show ends and you see the end product. something you could have done better. and we got the chance to go back and fix it and make it 100 times better then it was the first time. And that is really, really super cool. I got to take the things I learned in the last 2 shows I've done in between, and apply it now. It was a good refresher course too. Remembering tips that you've forgotten. one of the big ones I remembered this week, was that "volume DOES NOT equal intensity." meaning, you can yell all you want, but it doesn't carry everything. it doesn't show the emotion. most of the time, it just shows you can yell really loud. you can be intense and scary without yelling. you can show anger without yelling. it's hard, but it's really incredible once you figure it out. and especially in my part, it's so easy to get carried away with the yelling and the screaming and the crying, but you have to balance that out. I wish I had remembered that when I was being marilla. it wasn't a huge problem. but there were times when I was projecting in order to show frustration or anger, and it actually didn't come across very well from the audience perspective. so yeah. cool thing to think about and to work on. this is just such an amazing project, and it's so cool that we've had the opportunity to do it again. it's going to be bigger and better then ever. I hope a lot of people come. it would really suck if no one came. so if anyone's reading this in town, please come. it would rock my world. :)
So yeah. Other then Juvie, not a lot is going on. My dad got a Hernia surgery a week ago as of Friday. he's doing really well. but it was pretty scary. Glad we got it taken care of. it's been fun having him home. I'm learning things about my dad that I didn't know before. and I'm sure he's enjoying watching our every day life that he doesn't get to see very often. I love my dad a lot. he's a really amazing guy. He's been watching some physics lectures with me for my school. I've decided I kinda like physics. and it's fun to talk with him about it afterward. He likes physics a lot too. I found out it's one of his favorite things to learn about. Cool beans. :)
Otay. I gotta start getting my punk makeup on. fun stuff. :) hope everyone had a fabulous March, it was a pretty bumpy one for me, but all is well. God is GOOD.
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