oh look, a wall.

So, you know how God tells us to go out and tell people about him and be a light in the darkness and all that stuff? I have a huge hunger for that. I have a hunger to have in depth discussions about my faith and tell people why and what I believe in. I have this abundant amount of spiritual wealth and knowledge that has embedded itself into my heart, and I want to share everything I know with people.
So, God planted this hunger, knowledge, and this love in my heart. And I have the tools I need to do what I need to do. But when someone challenges my faith or asks a question, my brain shorts out. My response is usually something like "ah.. dowa...ahh... eeeeeeh...wha... nooo nooot rightttt!!!" And I get so flustered with my self because I have no articulation abilities what so ever, that I can't make an decent statement. It's quite literally like I run in to a wall and I can't get over it. I'm getting so tired of this being the case. Especially now in High School, where I really am getting challenged in my faith and people are asking me questions. I want to be able to say what I mean and mean what I say. I want to know that I'm saying the right thing. But it's soooo hard. :P I can articulate over the Internet. I have no problem with that. I have a friend that I'm constantly debating with, and there have been heated debates about abortion and birth control and other subjects I'm passionate about that I've discussed over the Internet. And that's fine cause I don't have to answer right away and I can really think about things and research and stuff. But once I'm on the spot face to face with someone, I can't do it. So I guess the real problem is thinking on my feet. I suppose practice makes perfect on that kinda thing. But it's so hard to know that I know the answers, but have to learn how to verbalize them. You would think that the two would go hand in hand. and I wish they did. but they don't. And it makes me angry. *sigh* So, I think I might start thinking up questions and verbalizing the answers here for a start. Just for a personal challenge. It will be my project over the summer.

You know, I'm starting to think I have a SuperWoman complex... infact, I think I know I have a SuperWoman complex. See, this problem is probably a perfectly normal problem that everyone comes across and learns to conquor. But me, being a Cc, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have this problem, cause I'm superwoman and I can do things that normal people would have trouble with. And I guess it kinda hurts my pride when I find out I'm not actually SuperWoman. But maybe I should except that I'm a pretty normal flawed human being. And no body's gonna be disappointed in me if I can't do everything perfect the first time. It's really okay. And I will learn and grow and make mistakes. Cause that's just how life works, huh?

Well anyway. Life is good. I haven't started work yet, but I should be getting a call soon from my boss telling me to come in and do orientation and giving me hours and all that. I filled out my first W2 a few days ago. I decided that I don't actually like filling out form after form after form... It's really not all that fun... by the end of a 3 inch stack of papers, I was about ready to scream. hahahah. Luckily my mom was there to help me out and walk me through it. I would have been in tears if she hadn't been there. Good grief. Lemme tell ya, I'm glad I don't have to do that again for awhile. :P

So everyone's out of school for the summer. I'm a junior now. A lot of my friends are seniors now, which is completely mind blowing to me.... I'm actually not so thrilled about high school being halfway over... It occurs to me that my best friends will be off to college a year before I am.... That's terrifying. But I'm trying not to think of that. I'm glad summer's here... It's gonna be a crazy one. I think this has been one of the most intense school years I've had... Looking back to September when I was working on JUVIE, and then thinking about all the events that have happened from then to now, it's crazy. God is so good. Thinking about all the times where He has had his hand over the situation the whole time, even if it seemed like total chaos at the time. He was there taking care of it. :)

Otay. I'm off to go to a Graduation party for a friend. sorry this post was so scatterbrained. it's that kind of day.

"Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth."