Aarrrrg

(this was written last week. I just forgot to post it until today. :D )

I am soo frustrated right now. I'm really not feeling good. I really want to be standing up and moving, but when I do I just feel worse. I am so silly. I can't stand sitting down for more then 15 minutes. so it's a real problem when I'm sick. Mom keeps telling me that I should do my math, But my brain just doesn't want to work today. I don't know what to do. I've pretty much been in my room all day reading. It's driving my mom nuts cuz she really wants me to be doing something worth while, like school. But I just can't do that today! I'm also really upset because I have a piano lesson tomorrow afternoon and I am sooo not ready. I didn't practice yesterday because it was just so beautiful out side, I didn't want to be doing anything inside. So now I'm in trouble. It's just crazy. I'm pretty frustrated with life right now. I don't know what to do.
One of the reasons I'm upset because I really don't like my new piano teacher. She's not a bad person. she's nice.. I think I don't like it because we're not friends or kindred spirits or anything. The last two teachers I've had were people I really loved and could be around for a whole hour. I would feel comfortable talking to them about my day and what is going on with my family. When I talk to Chelle about my family I get kind of nervous because I get the impression that she doesn't like kids very much. one time I came in to my lesson and one of my pieces had been drawn on with a pen by my little brother. she looked at it and made some remark about how destructive little kids are. It made me kind of mad because I really love my siblings and I didn't care if they wrote on my music. And dude, I could still read the music, so why does it matter. But in any case, maybe that's not it. Maybe I don't like her because I don't WANT to like her. See, we know someone else there who also teaches piano. And when we first signed up we asked to have her teach me. Latter, the teacher called us and told us that she had too many students and couldn't take me on. So I got pretty upset. But I figured that God had something in mind and maybe the different teacher that I was going to get was even better then our friend. So on my first lesson, I walked in expecting to have a great time and to really get along with her really well, and I walked out feeling really depressed. Nothing had clicked like I thought it would. And ever since then I've been trying to figure out why it didn't. I still believe that God has something wonderful in mind, but I'm kind of getting inpatient.
Another thing is, is that I don't know how much I want to play the piano. I mean, I LOVE playing it, don't get me wrong, I just don't know if I actually want to do it for life. Clara wants to play the flute for life. She wants to become big and famous and make CD's and stuff. I'm not sure if I want to do that. If I wanted to become big and famous, I would much rather be an actress. There is a BIG difference between the joy that I get from being on stage, and the joy I get from playing piano. And I just like acting better. or, I think I do. I don't know. I love them both so much. I just seem to be happier when I'm on stage. Ugh. it's all really confusing. I'm not sure what to think. I probably shouldn't worry about it and just leave it in God's hands. It just doesn't seem right to be spending a tun of money on one thing, when I could be spending it on something that I want to do more and I enjoy more. *sigh*
So yeah. that's my rant for the next few months. it probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but that's ok. :)
I better get going.

~Cecilia